Saturday, November 29, 2008


I was talking to my mother today about this blog. She reads it, and wonder of wonders she likes it. She's my mother, she kinda has to. Anyway, we were discussing what recipe I should do next. And the one we came up with I posted about 3 posts ago. So I will be posting something else entirely. Also she said I should post more often. And I had to ask what she thought I should post about. We bandied about a few ideas. The one we came up with is actually kinda funny.
So I'm going to tell you about the surgery I had when I was 21.
I had a tumor removed from a very delicate place. My butt. Those of you who are squeamish, you might want to stop now. I went to a doctors office for this procedure. It was not in a hospital. They seemed to think it was like having a mole removed. It was nothing like having a mole removed. It was quite possibly the most painful and humiliating experience of my life to date.
I made my mother come into the room with me and made her stay for the whole thing. I was terrified. I had never had anything like this done before.
So, I walk into this room and see what looks like a dentist's chair. Not an exam table. A chair. I am told to disrobe and lay face down on this chair. The doctor leaves so I can have a modicum of privacy (you will see why I think this ironic in about 3 seconds). When he comes back into the room, the door he came through NEVER LATCHED. It remained ever so slightly ajar for the entire thing. AND once or twice people poked their heads in to tell the doctor "something that couldn't wait". Meanwhile, by this point I am lying face down on this dentist's chair with... (wait for it)... my butt cheeks taped apart to the sides of the damned chair!!! Yeah, that tumor? It was right on the edge. I received 9 shots, in a circle around the area to numb it (HA!), which was in actuality 3 full syringes of numbing stuff (they never told me what exactly it was). My mom tells me I nearly broke her hand when they were giving me the shots. What she may not remember was when the doctor started walking towards me with a speculum. I looked back saw him holding it and said something along the lines of "WAIT!!! WHAT are you planning on doing with THAT???!!" To which he replied "Oh, don't worry, it's the same size as a penis." Yeah. Uh-huh. I told him that that may be the case but no penis had ever been there before and that I was hoping to keep it that way.
Now, as it turns out the doctor in question was best known for dealing with hemorrhoids. I did not have a hemorrhoid. He did tell me afterwards that I handled the whole thing MUCH better than most of his middle aged male patients. Small comfort after all that humiliation,
So now that I've thoroughly disgusted you (all three of you), I will refrain from posting a recipe today. That just wouldn't seem... right.

---Little Bird has stories that would curl your hair.


mama bird said...

OK now you have no readers left.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I love your blog especially the recipes. I like the recipes because you always add a bit of your particular charm to them, which renders them more interesting than the usual.

That said, GOD please put about 3 pages of blogs up that have nothing to do with assoperations, so I don't get sick to my stomach when I page down after your next recipe.

OK, now I have to go vomit


coyote said...

You could have done a rump roast or pork butt recipe. :)

raelalt said...

I had something similar done (but nowhere near as serious) when I was in my mid-20's. I had to have an incision made in one of my butt cheeks to release an abscess (baseball sized) that was growing there. Apparently there is a large bundle of nerves right at the point of incision and no amount of whatever 'caine type numbing stuff they used lessened the pain.

THEN I had to soak the incision in my shower (no bathtub) several times a day for a week. In a house with 4 roommates (co-ed) and only the one bathroom.

I was the butt (pun intended) of many jokes for quite some time afterward.

Mike said...

It's a funny story. Don't worry about the other comments.

Bum deal, though.